Now there’s something meatier!

In lieu of what I was looking for, the other Sizzlean - some kind of drag queen (at least I hope that's what we're looking at here.)

Do you remember those ads? I think the product was called Sizzlean, and their slogan of the 80′s became my brother’s and my battle cry when sitting down, sliding over rapidly, and slamming the other person’s ass (hopefully) onto the ground. The ‘move over, Bacon!” part was yelled as you plopped down, and the final flourish delivered mid-body slam.

That has nothing to do with anything except that these posts need a title, and this was vaguely relative, and I couldn’t come up with any worthy ideas involving Paul the Octopus…not that he’s relevant at all, just that I can’t stop thinking about his perfect World Cup prediction record and how I wish I could get just fifteen minutes alone with him to review some critical life choices and investment options.

In other news, a couple days ago I was channel surfing and saw a snippet of the reality thing starring that guy from KISS (Gene somebody? I try not to know. KISS scares me. Their role in turning me against Dr. Pepper is enough.) and he was cramming for  the bottom-of-the-barrel quiz show “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader”? It was clear that the answer was ‘no’ when he didn’t know that red and blue combined make purple (and a few other basic facts of life I figured the primary school set would have down cold.)

I didn’t actually see him ‘compete,’ but I have to imagine  it was a total blowout. It seems to me in those instances that they should then have a show you could flunk down to…say, “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader With a Learning Disability?” Enter Robbie K. or his equivalent, a boy in my fifth grade class that (back then) would have been labeled “hyper’ and ‘needs improvement’ and definitely would not have sat still and stopped humming long enough to have known that yellow and blue make green.

Study up, Gene! This one could be challenging!

If you couldn’t beat Robbie, then how about “Are You Smarter Than a Toddler?” wherein you compete at stacking rings on a cone or identifying basic colors, shapes, and whether or not the face in front of you is a stranger, one of your parents, or your own reflection in a mirror. Still too dumb to be removed from national TV? Maybe “Are You Smarter Than a Lab Rat?”  Try to guess which water bottle contains poison and which one is just water!

If you survive that, let’s just have you sterilized and given a job as a greeter at Wal-Mart.

Sorry, that was probably harsh, but no harsher than my proposed series of programs extending the Man vs. Wild (and now Man Woman Wild) franchise.

Naturally, I have done no research, so I don’t know if the Man v. Wild guy is now traipsing around risking his life for no good reason with his wife in tow or if they’ve found another pair of ‘survivalists’ to entertain us by wandering through a crocodile-infested swamp with beef hearts tied to their thighs or what. Does it really matter?

As it so happens, specifics aside and sight unseen, I know that Man Woman Wild will be too mundane for my tastes. Let’s get some combos out that that will truly impress me. How about Elderly Man, Colicky Infant, Wild?

Mmmmm.... Wine....

Or Pothead Teen, Nap-Deprived Toddler, Wild?

Feuding Couple on the Verge of Divorce; Hannah Montana-Obsessed Brat; Blind, Arthritic Poodle; Wild?

Blue Man Group, Land Mines, Wild?

Okay, maybe a few of these would be too difficult to put into production, but I think you see the direction I’m going: it’s not entertainment if you’re a survivalist by training or know the difference between poison oak and poison ivy. That’s too easy. Give me somebody that has to work for it. For instance, stick my mother out there with some high heels on and a bottle of rosé and you’ve got some REAL entertainment.

Trust me. I know of which I speak, even if I’m not allowed to blog about it.

(Did I mention she has vertigo?)