Let the onslaught of ads for wacky weight loss programs and gimmicky equipment begin!

As I was preparing my black-eyed peas and collard greens, I flipped on the TV to keep me company. In the spirit of new year’s resolutions, Bravo is airing nothing but back-to-back episodes of “The Biggest Loser” today. During the three minutes I had it on, they managed to air ads for Winsor Pilates, Bowflex, and the product that inspired this post – Flirty Girl Fitness.

Basically, ‘Flirty Girl’ is just a toned-down name for ‘Stripper-esque’. I really don’t get this ‘bump and grind your way to fitness’ craze. Maybe that’s because I am totally uncoordinated and have absolutely no rhythm. In high school we were forced to take aerobics, and I was a train wreck. I’d finally catch onto one complex choreographed move, and it’d change to something else I couldn’t follow.

Happily, I can run (and I like to), and Tamilee Webb (the “Buns of Steel” lady) takes care of the rest. However, if I were in need of a new workout routine, I’m not sure the Flirty Girl ho bag ‘chair dance’ routine would do it for me. I think I’d feel like an idiot conducting a lap dance in my basement. Moreover, it looks like the program requires a stripper pole, and I just had mine de-installed to make room for the gladiator pit.

Anyway, at this point I ran out of things to say, so I went online to see if there were other workouts as ludicrous as the Flirty Girl DVDs to inspire me, and I ended up running across the P90x program. Have you seen this infomercial? I saw it about a year and a half ago – maybe even two years ago – and I STILL remember it. It was strangely compelling. Probably because I have fantasies of my arms looking like Linda Hamilton in T2.

However, nature is not on my side there. I have the arms of a Tyrannosaurus Rex – weak and worthless. Thus, although I am confident that the rest of me is up to the challenge, I’m not so sure I can get through the P90x workout. It’s 90 days. An hour to an hour and a half a day. You need to already be a regular exerciser and within 5 pounds of your ideal weight. The reviews describe it as the real deal…and grueling. I was trying to find something I’d seen about a professional athelete who did the program, and instead came up with blog of some guy named Chris Cooley? Apparently an NFL (Redskins?) player, and he looks youngish, albeit a bit doughy. Probably not within 5 pounds of his ideal weight. Anyway, from a blog just two weeks ago he writes, “Since beginning P90X 10 days ago I have come to realize it is way more than I expected. I am just as or more sore than I was after 2-a-day football practices.”

Presumably they work those guys hard, so in a way that’s an intimidating statement. Nonetheless, I’m still digging it. I’m in.

The issue is that you have to buy a pull-up bar.

I don’t think I’ve done a real pull-up in my entire life. I remember in high school if you could do 10, you got an automatic “A” in gym class. The Civil Air Patrol girl who joined the 82^nd airborne division weeks after graduation did three. The rest of us didn’t even come close. I’ve used the machine at the gym that offsets your weight, but I always set it up to offset at least 30% of my weight. That’s not really the same thing.

Nonetheless, I admit it: I’m freaking intrigued. There’s some part of me that likes things a little bit hard core. Now I just have to decide if I and my wallet are $120 + shipping and handling + cost of a pull up bar hard core…