Why am I up at 5:15am?

And on a Sunday no less?

And why is Facebook suggesting I need laser hair removal? And a whopping $3000 worth? Who told them???

Did anyone else see that Facebook movie? The Social Network? I don’t get it. Maybe I was prejudiced going in (I knew I wasn’t going to like it, but I hoped maybe all the positive hype would prove me wrong) but I remain unimpressed. Is it that most movies are so dreadful these days that the mediocre is now considered brilliant filmmaking? The only movies I really like any more are documentaries. Did you see Exit Through the Gift Shop? That was good.

Now I don’t know about you, but I hear the name M. Night Shyamalan and I think “hot pile of steaming crap.” However, yesterday I read a review on Rotten Tomatoes that said “Holy mother of god: behold the first M Night Shyamalan-associated film in the last 4 years that doesn’t utterly blow.”  I really enjoyed The Sixth Sense (even though I figured out the surprise ending early on) so I specifically hunted down a Redbox containing “Devil” and watched it.

Counter movie review in short: Marc Fennell (if that’s your real name): I beg to differ. It did utterly blow. And it was obvious. And preachy. And tedious. Basically, it was like all his stuff except (blessedly) he didn’t cast himself in it (at least as far as I noticed). However, in the first five minutes I made a prediction as to who the devil was and how the stupid thing would end, and – of course – I was 100% right. (I know. I know. I’m nightmarish to go to the movies with.) They say it’s all been done before, and maybe they’re right. (Although I do have an idea I’m working on that I think is totally original. Time will tell…)

That scandalous new MTV “Skins” show is on: the one a bunch of advertisers pulled out of. So let’s see, wild party at a mansion. Now there’s a stupid reference to Edward Scissorhands and some non-relevant slutty behavior. I guess I’m too old to be titillated, but I still can’t help but wonder why Trojan isn’t all over this thing? That and some rehab centers.

Don't waste your time.

So anyway, none of this has anything to do with the title of this blog, which is actually in reference to my brief fascination with these ghost hunting iPhone apps. Logically I was skeptical, but the person who introduced me to it was so freaked out (and convinced – to the degree that they wouldn’t turn it on in their own home) that I became vicariously convinced and totally freaked out.

Thus began a 36-hour whirlwind of tracking the location and communications of the ghosts all around me (often as many as three at a time). The EVPs are read out in a spooky monotone voice that only adds to the chill factor. I was hooked. I even started writing down the words on the screen so I could accurately understand the messages being sent from beyond. Here’s the first one ever (in sentence order, even though the words come one at a time and over several minutes)

Person hard rocky afternoon Charles animal anyway.

Holy crap! I have no idea what that means, but it was thrilling nonetheless. Then came the next revelation:

Eventually carbon glass Philadelphia India Roman highway

This made more sense: my dad had mentioned it had snowed so much in Philadelphia, they’d canceled the Eagles game. And I want to go to India. And I’d been watching the HBO Rome series on DVD. And eventually we ARE all carbon. Wow!

High on otherworldly euphoria, I even (stupidly) spent $.99 to download ANOTHER app – Ghost Hunter M2. This one would record the EVP sessions for me: much more practical.

First session? “Cat”

That’s it. “Cat.”

Not a real talker, that particular entity. Or maybe it was a cat? No one said ghosts have to be human.

INTERRUPTION ALERT: Oh man, now it’s “True Life: I’m Ex-Amish.” Screw sleep, it’s the secret skinny on the Amish, people! Fascinating stuff. I grew up with Amish all around, and all I can say is: too much church. Oh, and some mild hypocrisy at play as they have TVs and televisions and all kinds of modern stuff in their barns. So on the show, one of the people they’re profiling left the Amish and moved to New York City. Gutsy. One of them is still dating an Amish girl in full regalia and bonnet, which doesn’t really add up in my understanding of things. Maybe Witness changed the rules?

As for the EVPs, it was the ‘leave it and record it’ program that did me in. I left it running for almost an hour (12/26 from 19:21 to 20:08) and got:

Idaho ghost dress young fall catch always month Shawn cable start Timmy Raymond mass turn Christopher Ruben

There’s one word on this list that has meaning for me, but that’s it. One. Out of seventeen. Which is when I realized this is complete and total garbage and generating these stupid words all by itself. And the dots that represent ‘ghosts’? No doubt pre-programmed to randomly show up.

Oh, and then we ran two side-by-side. They should show the same ghosts, right?

WRONG.

And the same words?

Not even.

Nonetheless, for the believers out there, let me confirm and reassure you. Yes, there are ghosts:

• at the coffee shop
• on the airplane
• in my car
• on the beach
• at the library
• in the drug store parking lot

Here’s the session from the car: aloud Spain fierce forty cage

And the drug store parking lot: touch Mississippi represent Marty daughter Melva Pansy pickle Louie

And Stella (the coffee shop): fasten offer Lily Gwen help get Virginia

TOTAL FUCKING NONSENSE

Here’s a session done right now with “Ghost Radar Classic” while typing this: effect (yellow ghost now to my left) product (now a green one sitting next to me on the couch)  came slow (blue one on top of me and a red one behind me) object ordinary although breathe

And now it’s fallen silent for five minutes and the ghosts are gone too. Probably flew down to the drug store for a while.

Unfortunately, before leaving, what they forgot to say was: go to bed now this is total nonsense.

And so it is, and so I will.