Posts Tagged ‘me me me’

Things That Probably Shouldn’t Bug the Crap Out of Me… But Do

Thursday, January 16th, 2014

It turns out I’m very easily irritated.

How is anything about these awful pellets enjoyable?

How is anything about these awful pellets enjoyable?

By no means all-inclusive, please peruse the following list and attempt to limit my exposure to the said items unless you would like to a) see my squinty-eyed look of mild outrage (best case) or b) hear all about it in virulent, hyperbolic terms (worst).

1. The expression “Sunday Funday.”

2. Tom Cruise

3. Jujubes or any kind of candy whose only virtue seems to be getting stuck in your molars for three to six hours.

4. Women who pee (or worse) on the seat… and leave it there. WHAT IS THIS, LADIES!? Sure, it happens to all of us from time to time, but for crying out loud: take a little peek while you’re pulling yourself together and wipe it up already.

5. People who get on Facebook and detail every boring, excruciating detail of their morning/workday/dinner/date/dream.

6. #Hashtags.

7. The combination of #4 and #5. When properly melded, they make me want to bite down hard on something… or someone.

8. Any commonly known and loved side dish – mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, rice pilaf – that has been inexplicably and prepared spicy hot without warning. Last time I checked, cayenne is not one of the four food groups.This is presumably done by cooking novices who mistake “heat” for “flavor,” but it’s still inexcusable, People Who Made the Innocent-Looking Taste Bud Destroyingly Hot Thanksgiving Green Bean Casserole.

9. The expression “me time.”

10. Anna Kendrick (an actress who’s not quite famous but in far too many flicks for my taste and whom for no real reason I can put my finger on, I find incredibly hard to tolerate. If she and Cruise ever make a movie, I may just be forced to bomb the opening.)

11. Anyone who thinks they’re getting any portion of my heavily buttered movie theater popcorn. Get yer grubby paw outta there.

12. Dirty diapers on the ground in public places. How does this even happen? Do you throw it out of your moving car or save it up to toss in the Safeway parking lot later or what?

13. People who narrate their inner monologue out loud. Unless you’re expressly talking to me, I don’t need to know.

14. Boxes of chocolate that don’t come with a decoder ring, thus gravely upping the chances that I inadvertently bite into the much-dreaded maple one.

15. Spam email lists I cannot unjoin no matter how many times I opt out.

16. Men who leave the seat up at my place. Do what you want in your own hovel, but put it all down – lid included – at mine. I will give you a candy-coated tale about how this is because the dog likes to drink out of the toilet (he does), but deep down I experience this as some kind of flagrant show of disrespect and that actually has nothing to do with my dog. Lose points at your own peril.

17. Guzzlers. You offer them a drink from your water bottle and they drain it down to the last drop like a frat boy with a beer bong. You know who you are.

18. The expression LOL.

19. People who’ve already read the book or seen the movie and detail all the spoiler moments in the first three minutes even though you didn’t ask them to clarify anything.

20.Laundromats. They’re so depressing, I try to avert my eyes when I walk by them. Matt Groening once summarized the spirit of laundromats perfectly with a sign on the wall of Jeff and Akbar’s: “Suicides No Longer Permitted On Premises.”

21. People who gripe about petty things.
Nah. Just kidding.

 

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When I’m Not Up at 3 a.m. Googling “Black Rat”

Wednesday, December 11th, 2013

(a.k.a. the species that infiltrated my now ex-home. BTW, for those wondering how that little slice of hell was “resolved”: let’s just say if there really is such a thing as instant karma, my former landlord is due to burst into a ball of flames at any moment.)

Anyway, when not pondering the symptoms of the bubonic plague (and still occasionally, apparently) spread by said Rattus Rattus, I can be found interviewing Bill Maher and later learning he POSTED THE STORY TO HIS OWN 2.06 MILLION FANS FACEBOOK PAGE. (!!!)

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(The story itself can be seen on Maui Now under the Entertainment header if you’re so inclined.)

In other news, I want pizza.

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Ways I Waste Time

Sunday, October 20th, 2013

1. Reading Yelp reviews of “Zombie Burger and Bar Lab” in Des Moines, Iowa.
2. Trying to come up with a second reason to go to Des Moines, Iowa.
3. Looking for split ends
4. Opening the fridge door over and over and OVER hoping something new has manifested in there.
5. Twerking

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6. Feeling angry that someone got to the “Zombie Burger” name before me. “Zombie Bar,” however – my hip happenin’ joint where I sell nothing but cocktails made with NyQuil – might still be a go.
7. Baby panda videos
8. Relocating my mess from one part of the house to another.
9. Natural peanut butter
10. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

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Gah. Some People.

Wednesday, July 10th, 2013

So the other night my friend implored me to go along as her wing woman.

Well, that’s not how she pitched it, but that was the bottom line.

Seems some guy had approached her at a Starbucks earlier that day because of her beautiful eyes and then wanted to buy her a drink later that night for business reasons. She initially told me she thought I’d find him interesting, but once I heard the sentence I typed right before this one and she said she wasn’t interested in him and was suinternet_fist_bumpre it was “just business,” my Spidey sense was more of the “are you sure this is a good idea?” variety.

In other words, I felt obliged to go and make sure she survived.

So after about 15 minutes one thing was clear:  there is nothing this guy hasn’t done… in his feverish imagination.

You couldn’t tell him anything – “I cooked professionally for a few years” – without him interrupting, insisting on a fist bump and screaming out, “No way! Me too!”

I should have  mentioned carrying triplets as a surrogate and having an affair with Bill Clinton, but sadly such a great idea struck late.

Anywho, dude put the “noxious” back in obnoxious.

He created all by his lonesome a new pet peeve for me: do not exclaim  “I like her already!” more than five times and over the span of nearly two hours. You can only say that once or twice before it loses its punch, son.

Meanwhile, if you care, among his seemingly endless list of achievements he (allegedly) has:

  • Written for the New York Times as a journalist for 15 years.
  • Hosted a show about the New York Yankees for 8 or 10 years (seems to be true).
  • Have filmed a documentary about Afghanistan for the History Channel (seems to be true).
  • Saved a local theater in New Jersey with the help of Stephen King.
  • Received scads of national  press for that ^^^ feat.
  • Wrote a play based on that Stephen King dealio (the plot of which shifted drastically in each retelling – a mere five minutes apart and during which he seemed to have no idea he’d already told the story until I interrupted and told him so).
  • If that’s not enough, said play was submitted to a playwright competition by friends behind his back which it – of course – won and then was performed at NYU and some other places. What are the odds!
  • Had someone in L.A. randomly find that play years later and now he has a series on USA Network in the work. He may also have a Lifetime movie based on his play “Stephen King’s Red Tape” but I kept spacing out and considering running for the door, so I’m not certain whether I heard that or imagined it.
  • Be working on an explosive documentary about Hawaii, which he also promised to give me all the details of so I could write about it (and I think I was offered a role in it at some point as well) because if HE wrote about this explosive government traitorous behavior stuff, that would bring a lot of attention him being a former NYT journalist and all. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
  • Has a book coming out soon about some nurse in the room when Kennedy died. I’m assuming it’s fiction. Clearly he’s a natural-born storyteller.
  • Been recruited for some kind of journalism career in Hawaii
  • Been recruited as a television writer in Hollywood, but turned it down to…
  • Produce a show for his dear friend Katie Couric. He was her right hand and maybe wrote the show and acted as her therapist and picked out her wardrobe and who even knows how pivotal he probably was. Why would he make something like that up?
  • Written (produced) film screenplays.
  • Started and runs a business making medical videos (this also seems to be true and the “business” he had with my friend, who is a nurse.)
  • Beaten the shit out of several Taliban – he was  a former professional wrestler or boxer or something… allegedly – with his bare hands to the degree that they staged a series of drive-by shootings to kill him in retaliation. What can he say? He’s Bruce Banner and you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.
  • Been arrested and done time upon landing back at JFK for said beating up of Taliban activities: 15 armed marshals were waiting and all cocked their guns as he came down the escalator with his movie-making posse. Imagine that.

Whew!

How unfair that life has bestowed upon one man such talent! And endless amounts of time to get all this done considering he was probably in his early 50′s.

Oops. Can’t forget my favorite…

  • He (allegedly) went to a reading by Mary Higgins Clark and waited in line for her to sign a book for him. She asked what he wanted her to write and he (allegedly) said, “Something good. PLEASE something good.”

She (allegedly) asked what he meant and he (allegedly) claimed to have said, “Well, you’re an okay writer and all, but your stuff could be soooooooo much better with a good editor.”

Apparently no one loves to be insulted by a delusional asshole quite like Mary Higgins Clark, so she naturally hired him to write  a series of sex scenes in a book with “Halo” in the title (he couldn’t quite remember the name) and edited a couple others for her to the tune of $137,000… and then told me I’m wasting my time and that’s what I should be doing.

I mentioned that would be lovely, but I don’t know Mary Higgins Clark, which is how I got the “go to a book reading and humiliate the person” advice.

That’s ninja level, bromoney.

I’m not sure I’m ready.

You probably won’t be surprised to learn that he felt I was wasting my time with a lot of things.
I should be writing screenplays (that’s where the money is! Do it! Now! You’ll be rich!) and for TV (that’s also where the money is! It’s easy! Get out of print and journalism! It’s all about TV!) and maybe even plays. I definitely should have my completed books all over bestseller lists. I should quit any and all other writing I’m doing (that at least keeps me alive and my pets in kibble) because it’s all about my vanity of seeing my name/byline (I snorted out loud at that one. Puh-leaze) and how it’s not even my style (not true in the least, at least not with my restaurant reviews which I care terribly about and pour tremendous love, energy and effort into and are every square inch “me”) and I need to believe in myself and it’s that easy and if I write a screenplay I just need to believe and do what I love and the money will come and I need to BELIEVE and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks as long as I BELIEVE and blah blah blah cocaine is awesome.

Did I mention he’s married and here on Maui to renew his vows after 10 years?

And it was going on 11 p.m. on a school night at this point and his wife was nowhere in sight?

Yep.

So why am I telling you about this boob?

Well, first off, because he thought I was 26 and when I balked, he assumed that meant I was 30 and kept saying I “didn’t look a day over 22.” (Note to self: park self in that restaurant when feeling low.)

Also, because he inspired me to get up this morning and commence rewriting a book I’d made a new year’s resolution to redo but hadn’t yet started.

How did he manage that?

Well, because one thing is clear: if a psychopath like that can make a documentary about Afghanistan and be a on-air broadcaster and somehow run even a marginally successful medical video production company and be married for ten years and somehow even get that person to want to renew their vows to his egomaniacal ass, then I’m crazy to think I don’t have a really great chance of either pulling this off with my own work/novels and finding a good relationship or at least lambasting an elderly but successful writer into letting me write sex scenes for her for outrageous sums of money.

Hell, it’s a no-brainer.

Sure, I kind of want my hour and a half back, but at least it has got some other wheels turning in my head.

I do not believe for one instant he has the millions of connections at Harper Collins (Esther! You gotta talk to Esther!) and whatever he claimed – next to nothing he asserted can be substantiated via the Interweb -  and I would never give any of my work to him out of fear he’d plagiarize it, but I am in some weird way provoked to try a little harder.

Clearly this guy has made *some* traction with his life and he’s balls-out crazy and possibly a pathological liar. I have no excuse not to at least get a documentary and Katie Couric under my belt.

So there you go.

Lemonade From Lemons 101.

p.s.

Despite bragging for an hour and a half about his wealth, mansion, Mercedes so rare there are no others on earth, he didn’t pay for my friend’s drink…let alone mine.

But you probably saw that coming.

Gah. Some people.

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He Was Probably High Most of the Time

Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013

Everyone is going to hurt youBut he was pretty wise, as well.

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