I got to thinking about it, and once the crime scene restoration people complete the total tear-down and rebuild of my friend’s condo, she’ll probably want to rent it again. This time, perhaps she’d be better off armed with a tool for weeding out the kind of people who might possibly damage, destroy, or die in it.

Breakfast of Champions...and bad tenants.

In case you find yourself in the same boat, I offer it for your own landlording profit and pleasure.

PLEASE COMPLETE WITH BLUE OR BLACK INK

True/False

1. Alcohol is one of the four major food groups.
2. After killing a prostitute, I keep her body around for a few weeks and do “stuff” to it.
3. People often describe me as being “exactly like” Kurt Cobain, Chris Farley, Janis Joplin, John Belushi, Judy Garland, River Phoenix or Marilyn Monroe…only worse.
4. I like to store meat and other perishables in the bathtub.
5. Everything tastes better with cocaine.
6. Suicide is a perfectly reasonable solution to an IRS audit.
7. Donkeys make great pets!
   

   Oh my goodness, that really is cute!!!

8. They tried to make me go to rehab, and I said no, no, no.
9. A couple pieces of newspaper scattered on the carpet provide a perfectly reasonable substitute for a cat litter box.
10. I see dead people.

Essay section:

1. What are your feelings about the ‘sport’ of dogfighting, particularly offering it inside my condo?

2. How many times in your life have you woken up in a dumpster and why? Please describe any additional occasions in which you actually felt relieved to find you were still alive, despite the circumstances.

3. Breeding roaches: good thing or bad? Discuss.

4. Level with me here: we both know you’re not a doctor, so please reassure me that you’re not planning to run a back-door abortion clinic out of my home. The rumors have me a little worried.