Dear Kim Jong-il,
Please put down the crack pipe or the opium pipe or the freebasing spoon or whatever the hell you have going on over there and listen to me for a second.
Word on the street is you’re gearing up to bomb Hawaii.
Are you completely out of your damn mind?
Did you eat some kimchi that had turned and now you’re lost in a perpetual hallucination?
I’m sorry. That was probably a bit harsh. Let me start over and catch you up here: Hawaii is part of America. A part which, historically, we get a bit sensitive about when someone decides to bomb it. Do the words ‘Pearl Harbor’ mean anything to you?
What about a little something called Hiroshima?
Because - and I’m not condoning this sort of behavior, but – it’s arguable to say that Hiroshima happened because Pearl Harbor happened.
I’m hoping you can read between the lines here…
If not, let me break it down for you: Fire a missle at Hawaii and get a nuke dropped on your @ss.
It’s pretty much that simple.
Moreover, Hawaii is by far one of the top-five best states we have. It’s tropical, lush, warm, and beachy. And it’s native peoples are one of the only ones with some balls. When the Spanish Conquistadors or whomever came and tried to claim it for themselves, the Hawaiians more or less executed them on the spot. And rightly so.
If only Geronimo had been so bold.
Regardless, they’re still native peoples and they’re still getting the shaft from the U.S. government and the occasional haole and they really don’t need your guff too.
Plus, at least one of the islands of Hawaii (Kauai) has tons and tons of roosters. You like roosters, right?
Or is it only dog that gets your salivary glands going?
Never fear, like any good island, there are plenty of mongrel dogs there too.
Moreover, I understand you’re a huge film buff, your favorites being – what’s that you say? – AMERICAN MOVIES. Yeah, I hate to break it to you, but Friday the 13th and Rambo are American movies. So, by the way, are Elizabeth Taylor and Michael Jordan. Americans, that is. Americans who possibly live on or vacation in Hawaii and who you may accidentally bomb to kingdom come.
So you crazy Dear Leader, you, why don’t you go back to kidnapping local directors and actresses and forcing them to make films for you and put these crazy ‘bomb Hawaii’ plans aside for a while? Or make a movies about it? Or just go play some golf and shoot four or five holes-in-one as you reportedly do every time you play.
Too bad you had to be a crazy dictator, because even Tiger Woods hasn’t got game like that…
In conclusion, lest you think that I’m so different and there’s no reason to listen to me, let me assure you that my birth, too, was foretold by a swallow and heralded by the appearance of a double rainbow over the mountain and a new star in the heavens. So you can trust me. Minus the dog-eating and kidnapping, insane military anarchy plans, and ugly outfits, we’re two of a kind.
Thanks for listening!