Note to all would-be drunk drivers out there: There’s a new scapegoat in town. Plead insanity.

Or just act insane. Either way.

DUI defendant claims that he’s his own country

EASTON, Pa. – A man accused of driving drunk said Pennsylvania courts have no jurisdiction over him because he’s his own country. After seeing the paperwork that 44-year-old Scott Allan Witmer filed with the court claiming sovereignty, a Northampton County judge said Tuesday he cannot be released from jail until he gets a mental exam.

Witmer, who represented himself, said he believes police lack jurisdiction to pull him over. As he said in court: “I live inside myself, not in Pennsylvania.” He said there is no victim in the crime and asked to go to trial.

Defense attorney James Connell, Witmer’s standby counsel, said a challenge to the traffic stop would need to be filed as a pretrial motion.

I kind of like this idea, not so much from the drunk driving angle, but as a general approach to life. All those times I pulled out the American passport, only to be lambasted about the behavior of George W. Bush? No more. Now I hail from Vanessica, where Malamutes roam free and the crime rate is low. We’re neutral, like Switzerland, and we won’t get on board with the Euro because we’re snobs.

Pay my taxes? I think not.

April 15 is now a day of pagan celebration and merry making because here in Vanessica, we have no taxes. We’re ruled by a kind and extraordinarily attractive leader, who only doles out punishment if you absolutely twist her arm. She’s not passive aggressive, but she is conflict-averse. However, if you set her off? Look out.

If I have more time later tonight, perhaps I’ll work up a little flag for this proud nation? I’m thinking something in yellow and maybe hot pink. With some flowers and maybe a dog paw print. But before you get all carried away, don’t go sending me your tired, your poor, and your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Here in Vanessica, we live inside ourselves, so I would have absolutely nowhere to put them.