More silence (it has now been two weeks since the “I can’t talk to you yet. I’m not ready.” text message).
I am trying to implement my friend and teacher’s advice to “try not to suffer my suffering, but rather witness my suffering and try not to stop it or interfere with it. Suffering resisted becomes agony, so don’t try to control.”
Similarly, I have been reading some stuff written by Pema Chodron from her book “When Things Fall Apart.” I actually saw her speak about three years ago with my friend that died of the brain tumor. It was one of the last things we did together when she was well enough to leave the house and whatnot.
Anyway, some of passages that have spoken to me are below:
“People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That’s not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. To the degree that you didn’t understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you’re given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to open further.”
“I used to have a sign pinned up on my wall that read: Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us…It was all about letting go of everything.”
“Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape — all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can’t stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.”
““To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man’s-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again. ”
Who hoo! I’m fully alive…by dying over and over again. Kind of like “life’s a bitch and then you die…and then she’s nice for a little while just long enough to suck you in…and then she turns bitchy and you die again.”
That stated, new precedents for the upcoming days/weeks/months:
1) Unless I update otherwise, the deafening silence continues and could possibly go on for the rest of my life. In that case, it will hopefully start to hurt less eventually. Maybe in the new year?
2) Let’s not talk about this anymore. I might start an anonymous blog and drag myself through the whole thing there, but for now – and for the sake of my poor dad who is vicariously heartbroken for me – there’s no real need to discuss this further. It’s completely out of my hands, and I just have to accept that.
Although it may be nothing more than a weak attempt at justification, I’m going to stick with the old Desiderata wisdom “and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.”
In other news….how did your “Black Friday” go? Get involved in any interesting stampedes or fist fights at a Wal-mart?