Posts Tagged ‘tags’

Four Calling Birds

Thursday, December 17th, 2009


Did I really used to write this thing every day?

I must have had nothing going on.


I so do not have time for this nonsense now.

And yet here I am.

Yet again.

So what’s this thing about again?
Oh yeah. That’s right. Four calling birds.

That sounds like a bad gift right there: Four noisy-ass birds.

Do you have birds? Or know anyone with birds? They are loud. LOUD. LOUD.

It’s the universe punishing us for (sort of) domesticating birds and clipping their wings and throwing table cloths over their cages at night.

Break it down.

We’re jerks.

So anyway, speaking of ‘calling birds’, I don’t know about four, but I do have a story. You see, once upon a time, I went into my high school Graphic Arts II class and the substitute teacher was my dad’s ex-girlfriend.

And she was a really lovely and charming and delightful person…but she had a truly awful son.

No. Don’t judge. I’m dead serious. Even as youth, my brother and I couldn’t stand the kid (exactly one year in between us in age). He was – and pardon my French – a punk ass bitch.

Nonetheless, it had been a few years and I was excited and happy to reunite with her, and she sensed my weakness and that’s why – through a complex and unfortunate mix of guilt and pity and ‘reuinted and it feels so good’ and pity – she convinced me to go to her son’s prom with him.

Because no other female human would.

And the few chimps they knew were busy.

So along comes the big night Р fabulous and magical (or not. All I remember is that he spent most of it outside smoking as he had been a foreign exchange student in France for most of the year and picked up the vile habit and imported it in the hopes of seeming cool) Рand I went over to have dinner at their house.

And they had some kind of really smart black bird (a Macaw?) in a cage, and it was a pistol. I’d never really given birds much thought, and this thing blew my mind. In addition to singing songs and reciting poetry and calling the dog over to tease it, the bird would make the EXACT sound of the telephone ringing, and then do this dead-on impression of the mother (my dad’s ex).

“Hello? Oh, hiiiiiiii!”

And in addition to being strange and spooky and kind of unnerving, It was actually one of the more hilarious things I’ve ever seen in my life.

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