Makes my blood run cold just looking at it.

I am not an accountant, and I hate doing taxes.

Nontheless, despite my pledges that THIS is the year I hire a pro, there I am on April 14th: installing TurboTax, rifling through mountains of paper, and drinking heavily.

However, along the way, my pain is your gain. I have picked up some tips, and with April 15 on the horizon, I thought I’d share them with you.

1. 2 cats + 1 dog = 1 dependent deduction

2. If you have ever worked or thought about work while in your home, it is now an office. Take a deduction!

3. If you wear glasses, go ahead and click the box for ‘legally blind.’ If they call you on it later, just say you had a fierce case of hysterical blindness that has happily reversed itself.

This is the chia puppy. Get three for a break on your taxes!

4. 2 ferrets + 6 goldfish + 3 chia pets = 1 dependent deduction

5. The adorable bowler hat, amazing new purse, and 4″ green patent heels you couldn’t resist buying? Uniform, uniform, uniform. Deduct it, baby!

6. A tip from my mother with respect to dry cleaning charges: “Claim it until they tell you to stop.” She actually IS an accountant. Seriously.

7. Cook the books! (I don’t know what that means, but it sounds like fun, doesn’t it? Like something Martha Stewart might do! She’s been to jail. She’s not worried about it.)

8. Owner of six or more mammals of any race, breed, species, or creed? Mark yourself down as head of household.

9. Be certain to sign all your returns as “Bozo the Clown.” It helps your tax lawyer get you a lighter sentence on grounds of insanity later on.

Happy FIling!