So if you know anything about Twitter, you know it’s largely useless. Seriously.

And for those of you who ‘don’t get’ Twitter, that’s because – by and large – there isn’t much to get. 90% of the people on there are just trying to sell you get rich quick schemes or pass on boring and worthless information. Actually, 90% may be far too low of a figure, but I’m trying to be generous. It’s a new thing. We’ll see how it goes.

At any rate, a former useless Tweeter has finally said something of value. This morning when I logged in to do my daily post (which I try like hell to make funny, and which is way harder than you would think),  I saw the following at the top of my screen: “Does sleeping well make you look younger? Is the concept of a “beauty sleep” real or myth?”

And then some link to something I didn’t follow in part because I don’t have time, and mostly because I don’t particularly want to know the ‘real’ answer. 

I have my own answer, and that answer is YES!!!

Yes! Yes!! Yes!!! Yes!!!! Yes!!!!!

Case in point?

Donald Trump sleeps like two or three hours a day, and he is not by any stretch of the imagination beautiful.

Heidi Klum and the rest of the Victoria’s Secret supermodels past and present sleep like ten to twelve hours a day. Or at least it looks that way in the catalogs, so it must be true.

See? Sleeping. And beautiful.

Supermodels aside, my dog sleeps a solid 18 hours a day, and he is an unquestionably gorgeous critter.

So there. Proof positive that sleeping is not a waste of time.

I think my continual issue with those anti-sleep types is that I intellectually recognize that sleep whisks away valuable hours in which I could be making big important business deals, organizing conference calls, short-selling stocks, or otherwise taking over the world.

However, the thing of it is, I love to sleep.

If I were to list my five favorite things I would say eating, cooking, reading, sleeping, and country line dancing.

Actually, I’m kidding about the dancing, I’m a terrible dancer. I have no natural sense of rhythm and the realization that I’m very bad at it robs me of any or all imagined joy. Also, country line dancing is for jerks. Thus, instead of country line dancing let’s go with lying around in the sun. Essentially – minus the cooking – I’m extremely lazy. I’m like a big cat in a human body.

Dump me off on a food-rich desert island with a good bed and a pile of books (and maybe a laptop), and I’m living large.

Which reminds me, when I say I love to sleep, I don’t mean any old kind of sleep. In fact, I’m fervently against these ideas like business executives taking a ten minute power nap sitting at their desks. First off, it doesn’t look  particularly professional to walk in and find the CEO face down in a pile of his own drool. Second, naps suck.

They are neither satisfying nor luxurious nor nearly long enough to have a really crazy dream. 

So, in conclusion and for the record, I am a stronger supporter of sleeping (with or without the side effect of beauty) and passionately opposed to naps. 

So stick that in your pipe in smoke it.

Or don’t.

So I don’t use Twitter. Maybe I should. Maybe that’s the missing ingredient in my blog fame and fortune stew? It’s not enough to read a daily update of the stupid and inane crap in my head: I should be spreading it hourly!!!

Oddly enough Twitter is on my mind today because of the recent ‘scandal’ around it. “What’s that?” you ask. Well, if you led as boring of a life as I do, you would have seen the blurb about certain ‘celebrity’ Twitter accounts (I put celebrity in quotes as I highly doubt the actual people are doing the updating. If I were Obama’s PR rep, I would strongly advise against it. What if he got drunk or had a fight with Michelle and posted something he shouldn’t? Or imagine George Bush on Twitter? “The fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there’s jobs at the machine-making place.” Oh, wait. He already said that during a speech in Arizona). Anyway, what I was trying to say was that several high-profile Twitter accounts were hijacked yesterday.

None of the unauthorized “tweets” were particularly clever, but I must admit, I still find it funny. I kind of wish the people behind it weren’t inarticulate and not particularly clever yahoos who can’t spell, but it’s still good for a chuckle.  (Note to Twitter hijackers: Contact me next time, and I’ll write you some material to REALLY make some headlines! Remember the golden rule: Funny is better than mean!)

Anyway, in that vein I’m in no way intimidated by the recent round of Twitter phishing escapades, only because I (realistically?) realize it’s unlikely anyone would care if my ‘tweets’ suddenly turned bizarre. In fact, considering I’m slowly losing my mind a la Jack Torrance in The Shining, most likely my tweets would be nothing but alarming anyway.

Meanwhile, logging into the Twitter account that I set up this summer, I see that only one person – and not even a person, but a local music venue – is following me. I did have a local newscaster following me (I can only imagine he signed up to follow everyone local to get them to follow him), but I’ve hence been dumped. However, I don’t blame him seeing as the post I put up in the summer (whining about my job) is still the only one there!

But no more! Today I have tweeted again! Not once, but twice (in an effort to win back the follower status of said newscaster). In order to get a sense of the challenge ahead of me, I did go and look at his account quickly and saw the following Tweet, “Man arrested for 1st degree assault for shooting at a PRIVATE snow plow driver this afternoon.”

See? It’s not just me.

The snow is making us all nuts.

(p.s. I engaged in the following Twitter based conversation with the newscaster. If this single experiment is any indicator, odds are low I”ll be able to reengage him as a follower:

“Great story about firefighter’s rescuing a dog and two cats from a house fire this morning; I shot the video myself!”

I responded, “Was the fire set on purpose in an effort to get snow off their roof? I’m strongly considering a minor blaze. Pets be d@mned!”

“Noooooo, noone was home at the time… they didn’t appear very happy about losing access to their home.”

I managed to be both insensitive AND unfunny in a single interaction!)