And let me know what airline you’re all flying for so that I can avoid it.
I am in the process of going home.
While waiting in line today to find out what the odds were that I’d get off the waiting list and into first class (zero), I was standing behind one of the pilots. After lingering a while, I happened to glance down and notice that his luggage was decorated with bitter bumper stickers like:
- “Is there a future for me here?” and a pair of dice. (I assume this has to do with the NWA/Delta merger.)
- “I’ve had enough of the uncertainty” (ditto)
and – just so I didn’t think he was only angry with his employer
- “You trust us in the air, why not in the security line? Special clearance passes for crew.”
Ummmm, correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t the Johnny Depp character in Blow get started by having his flight attendant girlfriend run the cocaine back to Boston in her bags?
That’s why no special line, buddy.
Go to more movies on your day off, and maybe cool your heels on announcing to the passengers at your mercy (and paying your wages, thank you very much) how miserable you are with your career. Let’s consider that on a ‘need to know’ basis.
I don’t need to know.
Meanwhile, I came very close to dry drowning on the very same flight. Those of you who did not spend their teens working as a lifeguard may not know that dry drowning is the phenomenon wherein someone can drown in a puddle of water. All it takes is a few tablespoons of water directly in the lungs and – sorry Charlie – you’re a goner.
In fact, I shouldn’t rush to use the phrase ‘came very close.’ I could still extinguish my own flame tonight seeing as dry drownings often occur a few hours after the original incident.
All the more reason to get this blog recorded now – while I’m still wedged into seat 12C – for posterity’s sake.
Anyway, I bought this rather huge bottle of water at the airport, and when I opened it, the plane jerked every so slightly and a giant geyser came shooting out of the bottle. A notable portion of it landed on me – although most of it went down my cleavage and my shirt only had one little tiny drop of wetness, which I guess is a good thing – whereas a significant portion went up my nose.
Yeah, you read that right (unfortunately): My bottled water went up my nose.
And no small amount. Enough that I started coughing and sputtering and felt the burn in my sinuses.
Now, if I had read the bottle beforehand, I would have learned that it is a special Poland Springs “Eco-Shape Bottle” designed with 30% less plastic which makes it, more or less, a water gun. It has no form. Truly, it borders on being a balloon.
Thus, exerting little to no pressure, one can easily maneuver the squishy decanter in order to fire a powerful torpedo of water right up your very own nose!
It’s cheaper than a Neti pot AND it’s good for the environment.
(And if you look up Neti pot on Google to find out how to spell it [as I did] or to find out what it is, and end up watching that YouTube video with the hairy wildebeest guy, don’t come crying to me. You’ve been warned.)
Speaking of noses, some stupid stowaway fly on the plane keeps landing on mine.
Hope he’s got relatives he can bunk with in Minneapolis…