Posts Tagged ‘Yawn!’

Sea Crackers. See Crackers Dry.

Monday, December 19th, 2011

Remember all that time I spent bitching about wanting a dehydrator?

Well, the good news is: it worked! And the bad news (for all of you, because now I want a Kindle Fire. Santa? Jesus? Yahweh? Anybody?) is: it worked!

A friend and reader auspiciously named Kai (Hawaiian for sea/ocean or water…although I don’t necessarily know that he was named per the Hawaiian language. It’s likely it means things in other languages too.) came through for me in spades, despite several ridiculous hurdles and the thing even being returned to sender once.

But now it is here – much bigger than a breadbox and halfway to being big enough to sleep in – and being enjoyed by animals, vegetables, and humans alike! (No minerals…yet.)

In a show of gratitude, I have done two (one rather overdue) things:

1) made a page thanking all of you who have ever donated to my humble blog efforts in some tangible way (not that the intangibles aren’t highly valued as well) by name


2) Documented the maiden voyage of the SS Excalibur, as it ventured to make raw crackers…which may be a bit of a punishment really. I don’t know how exciting of a post this is going to be, which is probably why I don’t really blog about food typically, but I will do my best to keep you entertained while you enjoy the photographic expedition into the wild and wooly and slightly unappetizing (sometimes) land of raw food…


Despite rumors of toads, snails, and puppy dog tails, raw crackers – these anyway – are actually made out of the following stuff: lots and lots of flax seeds, chia seeds, and some vegetables.


The food processor seemed to do nothing more than spin the seeds around really quickly a la The Vortex or whatever those amusement park rides were where they would spin you really fast until you stuck to the wall and then the bottom dropped out. Makes me kind of pukey just thinking about it…


So I got the blender involved as well and crushed the whole situation to smithereens.



Crammed the whole kit and kaboodle into the food processor.


Felt highly dubious as to the odds of success with the sight before me. (um: yuck.)


But before I knew it, the situation looked remarkably like meatloaf “batter”…only stickier…and despite how that might sound, my hopes were buoyed.


It’s almost dehydrator time!


Which, you should know, Fu also considers his throne.


Then I rolled it out (is this as boring as it seems???)


And then ten hours later it was ‘cooked’ or at least dry and blah blah blah…


Raw cracker!

(I swear I will make up for this boring ass blow-by-blow tomorrow. Still excited about the dehydrator, nonetheless. Thanks again, Kai!!!)

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And the verdict is…

Friday, November 11th, 2011

…come back again next Friday.

Which is akin to saying there is no real change.

blind eye

At least my eye looks totally normal anyway.

My vision is still damn blurry.

I’m still on the steroids. (Someone told me this is how the professional athletes take them. Does this mean if I really worked out, I’d bulk up female bodybuilder style? I’m not into that so much, but I sure do wish my arms were more muscular: too bad I kind of hate working them out in any disciplined manner, although walking my yanking dog must count for something.)

And, as I already mentioned, I have to come back next Friday because the two exams he’s now done on my left eye don’t match at all, and he’s not comfortable with that…thank god.

Lady Gaga

I suppose I could go for a look like this. Minus the fingernails.And with the other eye.

At least the guy is thorough. And he did say that the eye itself looks way better even if I can’t (unfathomably: in my book anyway. He doesn’t seem to be nearly so flipped out as I am) see out of it clearly. And he seemed to think next week all would be right.

So here’s hoping, because if I have rely on my dog to guide me, we are most likely going to end up roadkill on the Hana Highway. He has his talents, but mostly they involve looking cute.

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Just the Way You Are

Saturday, November 6th, 2010

So I’m a girl.

Billy Joel: The StrangerThus, it’s a given that I would get  all smooshy over the lyrics  to Billy Joel’s “Just The Way You Are” and now Bruno Mars’ completely unrelated, but identically named “Just the Way You Are Are” for entirely different, yet similarly pathetic reasons.

Immature love:

“And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you’re amazing just the way you are.”

Versus seemingly more mature love, yet probably equally doomed love:

“I wouldn’t leave you in times of trouble

We never could have come this far

I took the good times, I’ll take the bad times

I’ll take you just the way you are.”

Bruno MarsIf there really is such a thing as love, I vote for the latter. Personally, I’d rather be loved for being me than for the way my nails are painted.  But hey…

In other news, I really labored over the title of this post and thus, directly or unintenttionally or some such thing, drug out its eventual publication. I started with “A stitch in time saves nine” but that has nothing to do with anything. Then I went to the pun “Sew adorable”…but I hate puns. I won’t bore you with the iterations in between except to say that they were so bad that I was relieved to be moved by the dumbass scenario above, and thus conjure my final main subject matter and related title.

Nonetheless, and in conclusion, and in other news, I need someone to make me a dress. I have a good  friend who makes clothes and sells them on Etsy (you know who you are), and I may have to call you out literally (or just pick up the phone and call you) because I WANT THIS DRESS.

I want the one on the left with the turquoise top. LOVE.

Not this short, necessarily, and definitely not with the strange hairdo, but otherwise: exactly.

I actually want this dress enough that I have vaguely considered pulling out my own sewing machine and ruining several pieces of cheap jersey until I figure out how to make this. And that’s scary talk, because (minus a period where I made hats and sold them at Grateful Dead concerts: don’t ask) I don’t really know how to sew.

I wish I did.

I LOVE clothes.

And I love to save money.

And I love variety.

And I could combine  all three passions into one happy experience if I knew how to sew, but it’s not exactly like (searching in my mind something simple that anyone can just pick up and do expertly. Ummmm….) chewing gum. You need some schooling and some skill and some inside tips and tricks or it ends up looking like something you made yourself, which is never good. I remember when I was a little girl we made a wrap skirt in Girl Scouts and for some reason I had this hideous dark green wool material (compared with denims and flowered cottons brought by the other girls) and although the skirt worked out, it was butt ugly and (in my opinion) looked homemade. It also had a bad habit of coming open in a most unladylike way, which was probably my guardian angel’s attempt to prevent me from wearing it in public.

As if the green wool wasn’t enough.

Too bad it wasn’t…. (coming open either…)

Thinking of going with the curl instead of fighting it.

In other news, as long as I’m sharing boring things, I have a haircut Monday, and I’m thinking about giving in and going with the curl. And sticking with a more natural color (i.e. kind of like her color). Admittedly, I won’t be able to pull it back or put it into a ponytail or wear it the way it currently is 99% of the time, but I also do that because I’m not super thrilled with it right now anyway.

So there you go: I love this dress and I may cut my hair shorter still.

Exciting times.

Best of times.

Worst of times.

Boringist of times.

Some rain, some shine.

It was the age of wisdom,

It was the age of foolishness,

It was the epoch of belief.

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Why can’t we be friends?

Monday, October 25th, 2010

Okay, maybe I was taking things too fast with the suggestion that we consider ourselves brother and sister.

Pushy cat

TRANSLATION: Hey! Lady! Get your ass out here and feed me!!! I may be feral, but I have needs!

Let’s back up and punt here: how about considering me a friend? A distant friend, perhaps. A friend you don’t particularly like but have been forced together with via circumstances out of your control, possibly. A frenemy even.

Come on. Give in. Let the grudge go and come out from behind the weeping fig.

It’s fake, you know.

It is.

It’s better that way. They’re really fussy. My mother had one when I was a kid. She moved it ten feet across the room and it dropped all it’s leaves and died.

African violets are the same way. I wont’ even look them in the eye at the grocery store because they’re likely to start wilting and drooping on the spot. Kind of like you. Hiding. Sulking. Making me feel bad and stuff.

Super pushy cat

TRANSLATION: Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth???

Fine. I’m sick of trying. Have it your way. The outdoor FERAL cats come running at the sight of me. They let me pet them. They seem happy to see me. You?



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My Free Renter’s Screening Questionnaire!

Tuesday, September 21st, 2010

I got to thinking about it, and once the crime scene restoration people complete the total tear-down and rebuild of my friend’s condo, she’ll probably want to rent it again. This time, perhaps she’d be better off armed with a tool for weeding out the kind of people who might possibly damage, destroy, or die in it.

Twinkies and Pabst Blue Ribbon

Breakfast of Champions...and bad tenants.

In case you find yourself in the same boat, I offer it for your own landlording profit and pleasure.



  1. Alcohol is one of the four major food groups.
  2. After killing a prostitute, I keep her body around for a few weeks and do “stuff” to it.
  3. People often describe me as being “exactly like” Kurt Cobain, Chris Farley, Janis Joplin, John Belushi, Judy Garland, River Phoenix or Marilyn Monroe…only worse.
  4. I like to store meat and other perishables in the bathtub.
  5. Everything tastes better with cocaine.
  6. Suicide is a perfectly reasonable solution to an IRS audit.
  7. Donkeys make great pets!

    Donkey and baby donkey

    Oh my goodness, that really is cute!!!

  8. They tried to make me go to rehab, and I said no, no, no.
  9. A couple pieces of newspaper scattered on the carpet provide a perfectly reasonable substitute for a cat litter box.
  10. I see dead people.

Essay section:

1. What are your feelings about the ‘sport’ of dogfighting, particularly offering it inside my condo?

2. How many times in your life have you woken up in a dumpster and why? Please describe any additional occasions in which you actually felt relieved to find you were still alive, despite the circumstances.

3. Breeding roaches: good thing or bad? Discuss.

4. Level with me here: we both know you’re not a doctor, so please reassure me that you’re not planning to run a back-door abortion clinic out of my home. The rumors have me a little worried.

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