Things That Probably Shouldn’t Bug the Crap Out of Me… But Do

It turns out I’m very easily irritated.

How is anything about these awful pellets enjoyable?

How is anything about these awful pellets enjoyable?

By no means all-inclusive, please peruse the following list and attempt to limit my exposure to the said items unless you would like to a) see my squinty-eyed look of mild outrage (best case) or b) hear all about it in virulent, hyperbolic terms (worst).

1. The expression “Sunday Funday.”

2. Tom Cruise

3. Jujubes or any kind of candy whose only virtue seems to be getting stuck in your molars for three to six hours.

4. Women who pee (or worse) on the seat… and leave it there. WHAT IS THIS, LADIES!? Sure, it happens to all of us from time to time, but for crying out loud: take a little peek while you’re pulling yourself together and wipe it up already.

5. People who get on Facebook and detail every boring, excruciating detail of their morning/workday/dinner/date/dream.

6. #Hashtags.

7. The combination of #4 and #5. When properly melded, they make me want to bite down hard on something… or someone.

8. Any commonly known and loved side dish – mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, rice pilaf – that has been inexplicably and prepared spicy hot without warning. Last time I checked, cayenne is not one of the four food groups.This is presumably done by cooking novices who mistake “heat” for “flavor,” but it’s still inexcusable, People Who Made the Innocent-Looking Taste Bud Destroyingly Hot Thanksgiving Green Bean Casserole.

9. The expression “me time.”

10. Anna Kendrick (an actress who’s not quite famous but in far too many flicks for my taste and whom for no real reason I can put my finger on, I find incredibly hard to tolerate. If she and Cruise ever make a movie, I may just be forced to bomb the opening.)

11. Anyone who thinks they’re getting any portion of my heavily buttered movie theater popcorn. Get yer grubby paw outta there.

12. Dirty diapers on the ground in public places. How does this even happen? Do you throw it out of your moving car or save it up to toss in the Safeway parking lot later or what?

13. People who narrate their inner monologue out loud. Unless you’re expressly talking to me, I don’t need to know.

14. Boxes of chocolate that don’t come with a decoder ring, thus gravely upping the chances that I inadvertently bite into the much-dreaded maple one.

15. Spam email lists I cannot unjoin no matter how many times I opt out.

16. Men who leave the seat up at my place. Do what you want in your own hovel, but put it all down – lid included – at mine. I will give you a candy-coated tale about how this is because the dog likes to drink out of the toilet (he does), but deep down I experience this as some kind of flagrant show of disrespect and that actually has nothing to do with my dog. Lose points at your own peril.

17. Guzzlers. You offer them a drink from your water bottle and they drain it down to the last drop like a frat boy with a beer bong. You know who you are.

18. The expression LOL.

19. People who’ve already read the book or seen the movie and detail all the spoiler moments in the first three minutes even though you didn’t ask them to clarify anything.

20.Laundromats. They’re so depressing, I try to avert my eyes when I walk by them. Matt Groening once summarized the spirit of laundromats perfectly with a sign on the wall of Jeff and Akbar’s: “Suicides No Longer Permitted On Premises.”

21. People who gripe about petty things.
Nah. Just kidding.


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Another New Beginning


Year of the… (wait while I google this) DAMMIT.

Now I wish I’d never even looked that up.

Guess who is universally expected to have the worst year next year, a.k.a. the year of the Fire Horse?

Me. The Water Rat (I know, I  know. The irony is not lost on me.2014-year-of-the-horse) who admittedly was not supposed to  - and basically didn’t – have a good year last year either.

Essentially, I can expect career setbacks, money trouble, relationship problems and low energy health-wise.

Forewarned is forearmed???

Oh well. It’s all cyclical, I suppose. One of these years my ship will come in.

In the meantime, I have to admit that the few sites I perused about this water rat/fire horse situation echoed the same advice I’ve instinctively come to with respect to conserving my energy and not burning out on work, projects, other people and their drama.

Thus, say hello to my two – and only two – 2014 resolutions:

1. Read at least one book a week. (For the curious: currently “Divergent” and next up is Alice Munro’s “The Progress of Love,” and yes, suggestions are welcome).

2. Do the minimum “for hire” freelance work needed to stay afloat – and as much as possible, only assignments/genres I love and where I get to use my voice – and focus my energy on my own (fiction) projects.

Sounds simple enough, which hopefully means I can make it happen, wild horses notwithstanding.

Otherwise, happy new year to you all!

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When I’m Not Up at 3 a.m. Googling “Black Rat”

(a.k.a. the species that infiltrated my now ex-home. BTW, for those wondering how that little slice of hell was “resolved”: let’s just say if there really is such a thing as instant karma, my former landlord is due to burst into a ball of flames at any moment.)

Anyway, when not pondering the symptoms of the bubonic plague (and still occasionally, apparently) spread by said Rattus Rattus, I can be found interviewing Bill Maher and later learning he POSTED THE STORY TO HIS OWN 2.06 MILLION FANS FACEBOOK PAGE. (!!!)

Screen Shot 2013-12-10 at 5.10.21 PM

(The story itself can be seen on Maui Now under the Entertainment header if you’re so inclined.)

In other news, I want pizza.

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Ways I Waste Time

1. Reading Yelp reviews of “Zombie Burger and Bar Lab” in Des Moines, Iowa.
2. Trying to come up with a second reason to go to Des Moines, Iowa.
3. Looking for split ends
4. Opening the fridge door over and over and OVER hoping something new has manifested in there.
5. Twerking

6. Feeling angry that someone got to the “Zombie Burger” name before me. “Zombie Bar,” however – my hip happenin’ joint where I sell nothing but cocktails made with NyQuil – might still be a go.
7. Baby panda videos
8. Relocating my mess from one part of the house to another.
9. Natural peanut butter
10. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

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They’re ba-a-ack

Sorry, hippies (and idiot landlord)
No more catch and release program.
This time it’s for serious.


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