It turns out I’m very easily irritated.
By no means all-inclusive, please peruse the following list and attempt to limit my exposure to the said items unless you would like to a) see my squinty-eyed look of mild outrage (best case) or b) hear all about it in virulent, hyperbolic terms (worst).
1. The expression “Sunday Funday.”
2. Tom Cruise
3. Jujubes or any kind of candy whose only virtue seems to be getting stuck in your molars for three to six hours.
4. Women who pee (or worse) on the seat… and leave it there. WHAT IS THIS, LADIES!? Sure, it happens to all of us from time to time, but for crying out loud: take a little peek while you’re pulling yourself together and wipe it up already.
5. People who get on Facebook and detail every boring, excruciating detail of their morning/workday/dinner/date/dream.
7. The combination of #4 and #5. When properly melded, they make me want to bite down hard on something… or someone.
8. Any commonly known and loved side dish – mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, rice pilaf – that has been inexplicably and prepared spicy hot without warning. Last time I checked, cayenne is not one of the four food groups.This is presumably done by cooking novices who mistake “heat” for “flavor,” but it’s still inexcusable, People Who Made the Innocent-Looking Taste Bud Destroyingly Hot Thanksgiving Green Bean Casserole.
9. The expression “me time.”
10. Anna Kendrick (an actress who’s not quite famous but in far too many flicks for my taste and whom for no real reason I can put my finger on, I find incredibly hard to tolerate. If she and Cruise ever make a movie, I may just be forced to bomb the opening.)
11. Anyone who thinks they’re getting any portion of my heavily buttered movie theater popcorn. Get yer grubby paw outta there.
12. Dirty diapers on the ground in public places. How does this even happen? Do you throw it out of your moving car or save it up to toss in the Safeway parking lot later or what?
13. People who narrate their inner monologue out loud. Unless you’re expressly talking to me, I don’t need to know.
14. Boxes of chocolate that don’t come with a decoder ring, thus gravely upping the chances that I inadvertently bite into the much-dreaded maple one.
15. Spam email lists I cannot unjoin no matter how many times I opt out.
16. Men who leave the seat up at my place. Do what you want in your own hovel, but put it all down – lid included – at mine. I will give you a candy-coated tale about how this is because the dog likes to drink out of the toilet (he does), but deep down I experience this as some kind of flagrant show of disrespect and that actually has nothing to do with my dog. Lose points at your own peril.
17. Guzzlers. You offer them a drink from your water bottle and they drain it down to the last drop like a frat boy with a beer bong. You know who you are.
18. The expression LOL.
19. People who’ve already read the book or seen the movie and detail all the spoiler moments in the first three minutes even though you didn’t ask them to clarify anything.
20.Laundromats. They’re so depressing, I try to avert my eyes when I walk by them. Matt Groening once summarized the spirit of laundromats perfectly with a sign on the wall of Jeff and Akbar’s: “Suicides No Longer Permitted On Premises.”
21. People who gripe about petty things.
Nah. Just kidding.